Look out, there's a monster coming!

Or maybe not...

There’s a monster coming. He’s big, orange, and mean. Also stupid.

Stupid and selfish.

And stupid.

The monster is so dumb that even though he knows what monster traps look like, he keeps walking into them.

(We humans call them laws).

He complains about them, calls them part of a racist hoax or witch hunt, and pretends their steel jaws can’t clamp down on his pasty orange flesh. But they can.

Right now, he’s galumphing through the first set of monster traps, and a relatively small one has attached itself to one of the monster’s many snouts. He won’t be able to shake it off, but he’ll make a lot of noise trying.

That won’t work for long. The next set of traps have much more bite. He’s got to face the consequences for his monster rampage through Georgia, what he stole and lied about to hoard in his monster lair in Florida, and how he tried to unleash a monster apocalypse on the whole country.

He’s laughing about all that now, when it’s easy for him to sail past those at-present unseen obstacles with his usual bluster and projectile vomit fiery language.

But those laws traps are being built by some of the best lawyers monster trap makers in the world, and they are certain to be so formidable and impossible to escape that even the monster is going to have to take them seriously.

It’s funny, isn’t it, how scared we’ve all become of the monster? Even though we know what he did, and can easily see him convicted in federal court caught in a monster trap, all we can talk about today is how inevitable it is that the monster will be the Republican nominee attack all our villages.

“Don’t underestimate the orange monster— he can get away with anything!”

Maybe not. Maybe the sharp, deadly spikes of the law will puncture even the orange monster’s completely out of proportion confidence and conviction of his invulnerability.

As actual convictions approach, accompanied by the ever-growing possibility of actual jail time (thank you,

Michael Moore

), the monster is much more likely to deliver a version of the speech I predicted in this space a few weeks ago:

From this day forward, I hereby name Kari Lake as the designated candidate of the Trump campaign monster party. She will campaign in the primaries on my behalf while I fight these indictments, and turn over her delegates to me when I win.

But if she loses to meatballs like DeSantis or Christie, or some boring Governor you’ve never heard of, I’m telling my people to go back to what they were Before —non-voters.

The system is rigged, politics is rigged, and now the laws are rigged to persecute Trump monsters. So we’re not going along with any of it. Not any more.

I told you that if we didn’t fix what was wrong with the borders, and antifa, and Black Lives Matter, we wouldn’t have a country anymore. Well, we don’t. These indictments aren’t worth the paper they’re printed on.

Neither are election ballots. So I also hereby repudiate the Justice Department, the Manhattan D.A., the Fulton County D.A., and further repudiate the 2024 election. If I can’t be President, the job isn’t worth having.

My prediction, and the points made in this quiz and also this quiz, is that Donald Trump (orange monster metaphor, exit stage left) won’t end up running. He’ll be very busy in court, for one thing, defending himself from the most consequential federal indictments in American history. We’re about to see if Merrick Garland was right to be so freaking slow meticulous and methodical.